i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
