WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Everything about him screamed your future.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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