I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
