Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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