First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
