Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
