He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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