your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
