They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last time i carry you out of a forest
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
