I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
