fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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