I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
