my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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