Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
