Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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