Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was confusing and full of hummus
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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