im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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