i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
