I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
