Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i think i just lost a toe
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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