yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
