First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
