i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We are all done wearing pants today
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
