My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
