shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
