I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
