Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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