You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
