Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
