the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
