When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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