She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
