Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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