its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm always down for nudity.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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