I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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