I met the friendliest cop last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
