What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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