if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Did we literally take a cab across the street
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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