woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
