Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
