my phone needs a breathalizer
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I touched a dick in church today
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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