Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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