Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
