i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
