Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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