so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
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do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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