Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
