He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
