So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
