I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
