Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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