dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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