my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
