Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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