afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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