A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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