New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
