I got chris browned last night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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